this might be too real for some

I used to love baking, I didn't mind cooking or doing "girly" things... Being in an abusive relationship changed that... he told me I shouldn't do anything as a hobby, that would draw attention to myself, stuff that wasn't "housewife hobbies" ...all my hobbies were supposed to be about pleasing him... he didn't think I should write or do any art... That I should just bake (which I liked doing) or learn to knit (like is this real life) he tried to tell me how to dress and what to eat... I always laughed in his face about all of it because NEVER in a million years would I EVER let a man on this earth tell me what to do, so I didn't think it affected me so much until I tried to enjoy baking and I don't, when I get asked to do anything "housewife" related my blood starts boiling with rage because no one is going to turn me into that, that's my mentality even though I used to enjoy some of those things on my own... I know it's wrong but this is the affects on someone who didn't even listen to some abuser's "rules" I never bowed down to anything he told me to do... I can't imagine what it's like for people who were forced to listen or who felt they had to... I can't stand to see posts praising soldiers, even though I know better, I just want to put my fist through the screen and say "they aren't heroes they don't deserve this at all because I know one who is essentially a human monster" So I'm sorry if you say something to me that causes me to shut down and not respond, I'm silently calming myself down because I am dealing with things you don't understand, and I don't want to take it out on you. For example if someone wants me to do crafts, I will probably get really angry but I know it's my PTSD, so I don't react until I calm down... I get sad about it too because I feel like he's taken things I enjoyed away from me, I used to just do what I wanted and some of those things have been tainted, so I'm just praying that eventually I'll get over this but until then I'm sorry I don't want to take it out on other people but sometimes it's so hard to control my anger and sadness when something triggers me

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