why you should believe the girls (extremely graphic)

The friend and the stranger

I’m going to tell a story; this is about a couple of friends I’ve had. One, I had been friends with for twelve years.

The other friend was practically a stranger at the time of this story, I had met him briefly a few times but never held a conversation with him alone in my life.

This is a story about attempted rape… (trigger warning)

THE STRANGER

The stranger spoke to me softly and led me away from the crowd, once we were alone he started to kiss me. The stranger was kind and gentle.

THE FRIEND

The friend found us, he was angry, I didn't know why but realized he was upset about someone “stealing” his “property” (me)

THE STRANGER

The stranger was upset as well, upset that he might’ve in some way caused trouble in my life.

THE FRIEND

Walked away angry, convinced a woman had done him wrong.

THE STRANGER

The stranger took me by the hand and led me to a secluded place, sharing laughs and kisses, all alone, away from everyone, I felt safe, and peaceful. Nothing forced, everything had a rhythm of its own. I said, “I can’t” and with a sweet smile he said “okay” 

Concern, comforting and tender moments “will I see you again?”

THE FRIEND

Yelling, anger, pain and rage, no other ride home, driving way too fast, panic, finally stopping, the friend self-loathing, self-pity, I feel guilt, I’ve lead him on, I try to explain. Both drunk, "don’t drive" I plead, "I don’t think you should drive this drunk and angry, sleep it off."

Not many places to sleep, friends don’t need to be afraid of friends, we’ve known each other all our lives.

THE FRIEND

I’m asleep, I feel something, it’s someone doing things to me in my sleep, I don’t want this, I don’t want this from you, I never wanted you to do this, half asleep, half drunk, so weak, I can’t talk and I think "anyway what will it hurt? It’s just touching." and I’m so tired, I can’t make myself wake up.

The friend is barely touching me, I don’t say anything, physically it feels good, but my mind and my heart are broken, I don’t want you to be doing this, I don’t want this, not from you, this is not what we are.

It’s over… I’m relieved, I still haven’t said anything, not a word, I am still almost asleep, or passed out.

Until he takes out a condom and puts it on and inside my head and my whole body I start to panic, I have to be able to wake up, I can’t even move, but I have to be able to say no, barely able to talk, I whisper “no… no…” he hears me but doesn’t pay attention, he’s on top of me trying to put himself inside me.

“no, no” I am too weak to be loud, too weak to sound forceful enough, maybe he doesn’t believe me. Maybe he’s wondering if I’ll remember, he knows I am drunk, he knows I am half asleep, how can I stop this, he’s so much stronger than me, I never wanted this with you, I don’t like you anymore, you were supposed to be my friend, a friend would listen to me.

I am able to get my hands on his hips to keep him from entering, but he’s strong, I keep pleading “no, no, no, no” it's just low whimpers but in my head I want to be screaming “NO! SOMEONE HELP” but all my tired and drunk body can manage, is a whisper, mumbling “no, no”

The friend tries again and again, he keeps saying things, trying to convince me

I never wanted to do this with you, I never even wanted to kiss you that time you held my head and forced me to let you kiss me, why did I let this get so far? Why didn't I tell you off then? I thought I was being nice, why did I ever let you think you could do this to me? I can’t talk… all that I can get out is mumbles, whispers “no, no, no” I must’ve said that word a hundred times, before he finally gave up, I don’t know what kept him from forcing me further. Maybe fear? Fear I’d remember? Fear I would tell? Not wanting to actually rape someone? But not realizing how close he had come? How much “almost rape” had affected his “friend”, who he thought of as his “property”

I told, I told a few people, “you shouldn’t have slept in the same bed, if you didn’t want him to think you wanted to do that” how do you explain what is in your head, something you never wanted to happen, not in a million years, how do you convince people that you were thinking you never wanted to, if you only thought it in your head. And even when you said it, they didn’t believe you.

THE STRANGER

I had just let it go, I kept telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal, I shouldn’t say anything, I’m being too dramatic, because it didn’t end up happening, it just “almost” happened, then why does it hurt so much? Why did I never feel totally safe with that friend again?

The stranger heard what happened, several different versions all saying we had actually had sex, one that he took my virginity, and I wasn't even a virgin, stranger asking me what really happened, I told the stranger, he saw the hurt inside, the hurt I tried to laugh over and blow off, he believed me. All he said was "I'm sorry"... No teasing about what lead to it, no wondering if it was my fault, no blaming me for what lead to it, he just believed me, he looked so sad. The stranger told me with the pain in his eyes what had really happened… he believed me 

That's all it took, one person knowing what really happened, and believing it, and reflecting the pain back for me to see, for me to not feel ashamed, for me to realize that it was wrong, it was a big deal and that it wasn't my fault...

...always try and be that one person.